Are you having sex or making love? – My story from feeling used to feeling loved

…….For a very long time, I had been saying “I had sex with so and so”, “I want to have sex with so and so”, and even when I was in a committed relationship with a partner I loved, I kept saying “I had sex”. Whenever a partner mentioned he wanted to “make love” to me, I cringed. It sounded so corny, and usually I would make fun of them, making them feel uncomfortable and sometimes it ruined the moment.

…….For many years I had been longing for love and deep connection with men. However, when these ‘relationship material’ men appeared in my life, I pushed them away, since I have never been taught how to love. The relationship between my parents was anything but an example of how couples should treat each other.

…….My learnings about sex and relationships came from magazines, late night tasteless erotic movies, conversations with older/”more experienced” friends, and of course, by doing it. Because I had no idea what love felt or looked like, I was “happy” that someone wanted to have sex with me. For the most part, the sex in my life was raw, mechanical, impersonal and afterwards I would usually feel empty and used, instead of replenished and loved.

…….Over the years I settled for less than ideal relationships and partners, because I used to believe that what I see in Hollywood movies is fantasy and no one makes love like that in real life. The paradox is, I wanted to be loved and to make love, but I did not know how to receive love, or allow it to be part of my life. Sex and impersonal connections were familiar and they felt safe, even though sometimes I would cry during sex, and feel worthless afterwards.

…….Last year I had enough of bad experiences and relationships, and I began experimenting with a variety of breath work modalities. Slowly I began to learn how to “make love” to myself, how to listen to my body, and to respect my genitals, following the teachings of ancient tantra.

…….I began to be very selective with the men I became involved with, because I learned that I could make love to myself in a way no one else could. So If I am going to spend time with another person, I want it to be worth it.

“Sex is excitement, seeks satisfaction and soon loses interest – selfishness.
Making love is passionate, fulfilling and does not look for an end – selflesness”.
– Barry Long

…….Not long after I began to love myself, I met a man who expressed he wanted to make love to me. I felt uncomfortable at first, but I could sense he was different from the men I had been with before. Even though I was scared, I decided to trust him and I allowed this man to make love to me. He made me feel safe. Making love was something new to me. It was slow and beautiful. I cried. My body loved his touch. Grief came up during our lovemaking sessions, and it was a mix of tears, smiles, sadness, and laughter.
As time went by, there was less pain and tears, more joy and pleasure. For the first time in my life I felt that my emotional needs were being met on every level.

…….Our relationship was short, but life changing. This man returned to his homeland, and not long after, another amazing man appeared in my life. Our interactions were even more loving and beautiful than with the previous man.

…….After experiencing these amazing and healing love making sessions, whilst using the tantric skills I have learned over the years, a new door of opportunity opened up in my personal and sexual life. A world full of love, pleasure, self-respect and possibilities is now available to me, and it could be available to anyone.

…….I learned that I am the common denominator on these interactions, and it is up to me how I want to be treated in the bedroom. Before you ask, no, I am not in a committed relationship and I still have casual sex, but with the right person only. Every time I get involved intimately with someone, it is always beautiful, and sacred, because I have finally learned how to love and respect myself…. and you can learn how to do the same. I can show you the way, just ask me how : )


Bia Bliss

Bia Bliss is an Embodiment Counselor, Sex Educator, and student of life. Her work directly addresses emotional & sexual healing, self-empowerment, and awakening personal inner truths. Getting in touch with, moving through and overcoming emotional issues and blockages through breathwork and embodiment practices in recent years has opened the door for Bia to a world of wonder, possibilities, joy, love, pleasure and radical self-acceptance.
The learnings and breakthroughs Bia has experienced on her journey of self-healing and self-discovery has deeply inspired her to share her passion for sexual & emotional wholeness and embodied awakening with others, through her writing and facilitation in conscious sexuality and embodiment counselling.
Bia is experienced, passionate and skillful in the realms of conscious sex education, facilitating workshops and bringing like-minded people together. She lives a nomadic lifestyle and takes her work around New Zealand and abroad.

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