Emotionally Safe Sex Practices

…….Everyday, there are millions of sexual interactions going on around the globe. The story is usually the same: boy meets girl, they go on a date, they kiss, they have sex, and the next day things can get a bit (or a lot) awkward. Usually one person is looking for a one night stand, and the other wants more than just a casual night with no strings attached.

…….For a short period in my life I adventured in the Tinder app. As a single gal, I wanted to know what the fuss was all about, but I was still somewhat heartbroken from my last relationship and I was not ready to go “all the way” with anyone at that stage. However, I did miss having a cuddle, someone to cook dinner for and share my day with over text messages.

…….On my Tinder profile, I stated I was looking for a cuddle buddy, and not sex. I matched with a bunch of guys and many men were offering to be my cuddle buddy. My reply was always the same: “by cuddle buddy I mean literally a cuddle. No sex involved”. Some men unmatched me straight away, without saying a word. Others did not understand how it was possible to have a cuddle without sex, and only a handful of the men were understanding and were willing to ask more questions and find out more about what I was after. Before agreeing to meet a potential date, I always asked the question “what are you looking for on here (Tinder app)?”, and based on the answer I would decide if this person deserved more of my precious time.

…….In one of my trainings, I learned about what they call “Safer Sex Practices” steps. Not all steps on there apply to my dating lifestyle choices, so I created my own list, which I call “emotionally safe sex practices questions”. The questions are a must for anyone who would like to establish a healthy communication boundary in their relationship. The questions are very straight forward and there is no room for blurred lines. You could ask these questions on a first date, given you feel that you would like to be intimate with this person.

Emotionally safe sex practices questions

• What are you looking for in the dating world? (casual sex, long term-monogamous relationship, long-term open relationship, play partner outside primary relationship)
• What are your boundaries (if any)? – and state your own boundaries (if any)
• When was the last time you were checked for STIs?
• What do you use for birth control? (condom, pill, IUD, etc)
• If we got together today, what would this mean to you?
• What would you expect of me tomorrow if we end up getting together today?

…….I have asked my friends what they think about these questions. Some of them were shocked and told me they were not appropriate first-date questions to ask. Why not, I asked back? I personally I don’t have much free time to waste on dates that are going nowhere, and I don’t like to play games. I like to know where I stand and also if the person in front of me is on the same page as I am. I have had a fair share of unpleasant surprises in the past, thinking that we were both wanting the same thing, but ended up emotionally hurt, due to assumptions and lack of communication.

…….Of course I understand that sometimes a first date is just to test the waters, and maybe there is no attraction there after all. I am not suggesting you go and ask these questions to a random date, someone who you would not want to get involved intimately with. Make sure that you have at least some sort of attraction to person you are asking the questions to, and be clear on what your intentions are with them.

…….As for my personal experience, since I started asking the questions on this list, I have been attracting the right type of men into my life. My relationships are now healthy, there is plenty of open communication, clear emotional boundaries and everyone involved knows where they stand. There is no more guessing, assumptions, or hoops to jump. Open communication is everything.

…….Unfortunately in the world we live in, we are socially conditioned to behave in a certain way. The questions above may not give you the answers you were expecting to hear, but at least you know from the start where the other person is at. The human tendency is to believe anything that comforts, and deny what discomforts, so unpleasant truths can be simply ignored. A lot of people have a fear of rejection. They rather live a lie and waste time with people who do not have the same intentions as them.

…….I would love to hear your thoughts on this one. Please leave a comment below.